projectedpersonalities

Resources - more of the good stuff

28th July 2026

Introduction

This page contains information that compliments and supports the connectedness journey. It has the following sections:

Where did all this loneliness come from? Go
A life long avoidance of loneliness Go
Know thyself Go
The World Go
Recommended reading Go

1. Where did all this loneliness come from?

Have we always been lonely? Well, according to Fay Bound Alberti and her book A Biography of Loneliness, we might have been but the historical literary record doesn't refer to loneliness in the way we use that word now. In Elisha Coles' dictionary of 1676, loneliness is described as solitude or wandering alone.

We may be sophisticated, modern people, but the theory is we are still hard wired to belong to and operate in a tribe - we are still essentially tribal, and for good reason. We lived in a tribe, or a village, because it was a great way to share tasks and resources and ensure each other's safety. The tribe would feed a pregnant woman when she could no longer work, or a hunter who was injured and unable to join the hunt. Members of the tribe took turns as look-out while others slept, to keep the tribe safe. We still need our tribe, but so many of us have become dislocated from it. Without the tribe, all the burden of living falls on the shoulders on an individual. Working for food and shelter, coping with illness, even getting good sleep can be disrupted because there is nobody looking out for us. Without the support and help provided by a tribe we can experience stress which can do us physical harm.

Things started to change dramatically for people in the 18th century thanks to the industrial revolution. There was a wholesale change in the lives of people. They went from living in households supporting multi-generations of families in agririan communities surrounded by nature, to cheap slums populated by unrelated people working in soulless industrial complexes under often harsh work regimes. Most humans are flexible enough to physically cope with that kind of change, but the mental impacts can be many and varied. Different people will be able to cope to differing degrees with the way we live now. The connectedness journey is all about helping you decide what sort of tribe you want and then going out and finding it.

2. A life long avoidance of loneliness

Here is the thing - there is no silver bullet to avoid being lonely at some time in your life. There is no pill you can take, or app you can use that will guarantee you will never be lonely. You can act to minimise your feelings of loneliness - but it takes real work on your behalf.

Making meaningful connections with people generally takes a long time. We've all heard stories of people falling in love at first sight and good luck to them. Some people are lucky in that they meet somebody and hit it off straight away. A study by Jeffrey Hall of the University of Kansas shows that making friends takes time. In that study it was found to take roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend. It takes 90 hours to go from casual friend to simple "friend" status - and more than 200 hours before you can consider someone your close friend. You have to build up common and shared experiences and that just takes time.

We go through stages in life when we have the opportunity to spend those sorts of hours with people, and develop friendships. For most of us that process starts within the place where we grow up, then at school, then possibly university and some place of work. At each of these stages we could acquire a network of quality connections, connections that shield us from feelings of loneliness. But as we get older, and life gets busier and more complicated, building new quality connections becomes harder. This is because we prioritise our time to spend on work, partners and children, leaving little room for the nonsense of friend building.

Add to this the fact that it is much easier to lose touch with people than to maintain a connection. To lose touch you just don't do anything! Then the world throws at us a whole series of discontinuity events, events that result in our connections being disrupted to an extent. Examples of these events include:

Leaving school and breaking the direct and regular connections we have with friends we've grown up with,
Leaving University or College and losing the direct and regular connections we have with friends we've studied and interacted with as young adults - always an exciting time of life,
Moving to a different part of the World and leaving behind our society that we may have enjoyed for years,
Changing or being forced out a job we enjoy and losing the direct and regular connections we have with work colleagues some of whom may be good friends,
Getting married and changing our social fabric to focus a lot more on one person - our partner,
Having children and again changing our social fabric to focus on these children,
Loss in the form of divorce or death of an intimate partner.

All of these things change our connection state. Sometimes that can be for the better, but often our connections become more restricted or of lower quality.

In addition to all that, Dr Jeremy Nobel in his book Project Unlonely talks about five other conditions that can leads us to become isolated:

Trauma - resulting in a person withdrawing from society in an attempt to be safe,
Illness - that leaves a person physically or mentally unable to move in society the way they used to,
Aging - which can be as simple as living so long that all your good friends and some family just die of old age leaving you alone,
Difference - that results in a person being consciously or unconsciously excluded from groups within society,
Modernity's divide - the rapid pace of modern of modern life, isolation by social media and information overload causing anxiety and stress.

The simple and brutal truth is that to enjoy a quality network of connections you have to maintain a quality network of connections i.e. you have to keep connecting with people - you have to keep the relationship alive as best you can. You have to meet up, exchange information, value the relationship, trust each other, help each other, and that takes effort, but the rewards should be obvious and valuable.

Never abandon your network of connections in favour of those belonging to some new partner and be very suspicious of anybody who wants you to do that.

3. Know thyself

The connectedness journey places importance on you getting to know yourself. This is to help you get a better understanding of what you really want in terms of connections, and how you project yourself out into the world. It's really about honesty.

The connectedness journey asks you on a couple of occasions to revisit your past life but makes clear that if that is too painful then don't do it, and if that's the case it would probably be best if you skipped the next few paragraphs too.

An important part of knowing yourself is to be cogniscent of how you were brought up. If you grew up in a loving, stable, creative, calm and ordered environment you probably had the best start. If you grew up in a house where arguments were the order of the day everyday you will have "issues" to deal with. You may not like arguing, but you will probably be pretty good at it given all the real world experience you've had - and that includes knowing when, where and how to plunge the dagger to cause maximum pain.

Similarly how a family celebrates success can have profound impacts. Parents who are thrilled that their child got 87% in an exam will leave a much more positive legacy than one who demands the child ask the teacher why they lost three points with a 97% exam score. Now imagine those two children grown and in some kind of relationship. One is going to be miserable until he or she achieves perfection. The other is going to be happy with a solidly positive outcome - but those two things don't necessarily gel well together. That relationship will always have lines of tension. So part of the process of self-connection is to understand the ways your upbringing has conditioned and forged your inner voice. Your inner voice may have caused you to say or do some terrible thing to another person - when they didn't deserve it at all. When you have reconciled your inner voice, you can revisit some of those painful moments and think about them. Is there a case for making a sincere apology to that person - do you now feel like what you did was wrong? A sincere apology can be a way of starting to rebuild an important connection with somebody who, in the past, has been an important person to you.

You can end up craving human connection but because of previous trauma centred on human connection, you no longer trust anybody to give you that connection. Like a weird Catch-22 - I would love to connect with you, but I don't trust you. Yes, but until you connect with me you won't find out how trustworthy I am. That's not worth the risk. That kind of thinking can exasperate loneliness because it can put you off making connections of any kind. As you fall out of practice of making connections you can end up with feelings of social awkwardness - like you no longer know how to do it well, or even do it at all. It's obviously important to find gentle, acceptable ways to make new connections.

3.1 Sense of purpose

One of the fundamental ideas of the connectedness journey is that you will form good connections with people who share your sense of purpose. If that sense of purpose is something you love doing and you can find people who share that passion it bodes well for you having a great life. But you have to know what that sense of purpose is. One of the principal tools for finding that out is visualisation. The toolkit contains guidance on how to use visualisation.

3.2 Beliefs and values

Another important part of knowing yourself is to be aware of your beliefs and values. But it can be really quite hard to figure out what beliefs and values we hold. In everyday life we just live by them without necessarily being really conscious of what they are. But for the sake of getting to know yourself better, it is worth spending some time thinking the ones you hold. Following are links to two references that contain lists of beliefs and values in a well presented way. You can use these lists to test yourself - read the belief or value statement and see if that rings true for you. If it does jot it down in your journal. If it doesn't, spend a moment thinking about why that is the case. If those thoughts give you an insight into yourself, jot that down in your journal too.

77 Core Beliefs Examples - HelpfulProfessor.com - here
165 Core Values Examples (A to Z) - HelpfulProfessor.com - here

Another powerful way of getting to know yourself is to think of some concrete action you have taken in the real world, and then work backwards from that to derive your beliefs and values. Below are examples of this idea following the simple BVAA model presented in the connectedness journey.

Sparkling Wine

Anecdote: When he held parties, a man would buy cheap French sparkling wine for his guests. But for his mother and his wife he would open the best champagne he had. He was quite open about this - it was there for everybody to see on the tables.

Action - he bought cheap champagne for guests, kept the best for his family.

Attitude - my guests, I'm being generous enough giving them something! They should be grateful.

Belief - my family deserves only the best I can provide and I don't care who knows it.

Value - there are different types of people in this world, and some deserve more than others because they're simply better.

The Interview

Anecdote: An employer called in for interview a young Asian woman. She was a new immigrant, her English was not good, and she was so scared of the whole process she was physically shaking. The employer was very calm and asked her simple questions, most of which she couldn't answer. Despite what was a pretty awful interview, at the end the employer offered her the job. The young Asian woman burst into tears.

Action - despite what appears to have been a dreadful interview, the employer still offered her the job.

Attitude - she is young, terrified, struggling with a second language and yet she is here. She is demonstrating courage and determination.

Belief - everybody in this country deserves a fair go.

Value - courage and determination are to be valued.

Bogged Four Wheel Drive

Anecdote: A man gets a call from his friend. The friend has managed to bog his 4WD and horse float in a paddock and can't get them out. He needs help. The man takes his Landcruiser and tow chain and, after a bit of pushing and pulling, manages to free the 4WD and float from the mud. The friend is so grateful he buys the man a half case of quality wine. The man is a little annoyed about that but reluctantly accepts the gift.

Action - he helps is friend but isn't pleased to have to accept the gift.

Attitude - I am your friend. It's what friends do for each other. Don't need presents.

Belief - mates look after each other and help when they can.

Value - friendships are important.

Damned Dog!

Anecdote: A wine maker lays on a lunch to say thank you to everybody who helped her get her grape harvest in that year. One woman helper turns up with her dog. The wine maker doesn't like the dog. The wine maker has made enough lunch for everybody, and one extra portion should anybody want a bit more. But the dog gets on the table and ruins two portions. The wine maker doesn't say anything, serves everybody their meal, but just has a salad herself because the dog got her lunch.

Action - despite events, she makes sure everybody gets a decent lunch.

Attitude - I want it to be a pleasant lunch to say thanks, everybody to enjoy themselves.

Belief - guests must be treated in the best way possible.

Value - the time we spend together and enjoy the moment.

The Cake

Anecdote: At every family birthday, the birthday cake would be covered in cling wrap before the candles were placed and lit. The candles would be blown out while the cake was protected from germs. Then, the candles and cling wrap would be removed and the cake cut as usual.

Action - covering a birthday cake in cling wrap.

Attitude - taking precautions against flu, COVID is important, even when inconvenient, unconventional and weird.

Belief - you should not compromise on hygiene for the sake of appearances.

Value - safeguarding your health is important, much more important than being conventional.

New Car

Anecdote: A young wife and mother needed a more reliable car to move the children around. The one she had kept breaking down. As a family though they didn't have a lot of money. The wife reached out to her parents to help her sell some shares she had to pay for the new car. When the parents understood the situation they simply gave her the money she needed to get a brand new car.

Action - the parents give her the money for a new car.

Attitude - we have more than enough money - our daughter needs this and we can help.

Belief - you should always do the best you can for your children.

Value - family is very important.

Following is an interesting example where beliefs can actually conflict with each other and we have to make a call as to what to do based on our values.

Environmental Dilema I

Anecdote: A woman lived on a property that backed onto land owned by the Council. The Council subdivided then sold off the land. The people who bought it set about destroying the tall, beautiful native trees on the plot. The woman was very upset at the trees destruction and gathered evidence to send to the council.

Action - she gathered evidence of the owners destroying the trees.

Attitude - they can't do that - there are rules about removing trees.

Belief - the natural world is precious and needs to be protected.

Value - nature is very important.

Environmental Dilema II

Anecdote: Having collected her evidence, the woman noticed that the family who had bought the subdivision behind her had young children and they didn't look wealthy. The cost of living makes life difficult and the woman realised that if she reported them to the Council, the family might get hit with a permit fee or even a fine which would make life harder for them. She didn't report them to the Council.

Action - she didn't share the evidence of the owners destroying the trees with the Council.

Attitude - despite what they've done, I could make things harder for them.

Belief - families need homes to live in.

Value - family is very important.

Saving Face

Anecdote: An employee in a safety critical roll was undergoing human factors training. He was very conscious of the consequences of making errors in this roll. Fearful of exposing gaps in his knowledge and skills base he became overly dogmatic and authoritarian in his approach.

Action - he developed extreme risk averse behaviours which he believed protected his position but which were very burdensome on everybody he interacted with.

Attitude - people must really prove to me that what they are doing is safe.

Belief - showing vulnerability and a lack of confidence is a sign of weakness in a leader.

Value - my reputation and standing to be protected at all costs.

4. The World

You're not alone. Given social media and the 24 X 7 news cycle, we all get dished up the same terrible news all the time. To stay sane we must push away all that dreadful noise and believe:

The planet Earth is a beautiful place. It's the only home we have and we must do everything we can to keep it clean and healthy.
Despite the best efforts of certain corporations and politicians, millions if not billions of people do care about the Earth and are trying to take positive action to protect it. As proof just witness the number of solar power panels being installed in your area.
The vast majority of people most of the time are decent, honest and caring. If you look around you on any given day you will see this to be true.
Ruthless, wicked governments, oppressive regimes, war and famine cause refugees. Refugees are simply trying to get to a better, safer life. It is very rare for them to come to a country and create chaos for its own sake, regardless of what some politicians and commentators tell you.
Society is real. We desperately need it to be cohesive and supporting so that we can all live our best lives. People who seek to create division should be called out and then ignored.

The nature of society and world events can make us anxious. Anxiety can lead to stress, and it's a stress that we can't escape. This creates those harmful hormones like cortisol and a permanent "fight or flight" feeling which is not conducive to making connections. We just can't think clearly. That is why it is so important to look around you and remain grounded in the truth of the real world - your world.

4.1 The wrong kind of leaders

A new type of leader is with us. You could characterise them as right-wing populist.

They are very comfortable lying. In fact they will do and say anything they believe furthers their own cause. They wantonly direct hate speech at groups within society creating division and fear, and then claiming that they, and only they, have the means to solve the problem. There is no problem - it's a fiction they created. They ignore science, they try to rewrite history by just not believing facts are true. They talk about themselves and how great they are, even when the true evidence shows that they are appalling in every sense. Their language is very rarely about building strong, cohesive societies.

Let these views get amplified and distributed by the reach of social media and you can begin to see the problem. How can we feel secure and connected to our community and society when powerful forces conspire to do exactly the opposite. It's no wonder people feel anxious, concerned and disconnected. Then we wonder why we have a loneliness problem.

4.2 Loneliness and religion

If you are lonely can you turn to God to find comfort? Well, yes you can, at least you can try. But over recent years the churches as institutions have shown themselves to be appalling. They have let child abusing clergy operate virtually unchecked. Then, when the abuse is eventually exposed, they have done everything they can to avoid accountability including victim blaming and accusing victims of lying.

The established religions have a notorious record of interpretting their scriptures to exert power and control over people. For centuries churches were very happy to burn women as witches, and even today a number exclude women from their orders. Today some churches still regard homosexuality as a sin. You could argue that church institutions, as a source of comfort and trust, have been completely destroyed from within and by their own.

But the church and God are two different things. Faith in God can be a powerful gift and a great comfort. Just be wary where you practice your religion and of the people you are with.

4.3 Social media

Millions of people enjoy social media everyday. A lot of people make a living from social media. Millions of people waste their lives away mindlessly doomscrolling.

The thing about social media is that none of it has to be real. You can put out there whatever you want and generally there are no consequences that come back to you. With generative AI it is now even easier to create a fantasy world. This is significant because people can create wonderful, fake lives that leave the rest of us feeling inadequate, ugly, and generally useless. Then they use those feelings to sell us all sorts of wonder products, all the time the social media companies loving the eyeballs on screens for their advertisers. Fake people post fake stories about their lives which are better than yours - but also fake. To the social media companies you are not a person - you are a small revenue generating asset.

Understand that social media is basically a bad thing - a false way to feel connected when there is no real connection. You're hungry but somebody is feeding you damp cardboard rather than the nutrious food you really need. You have to meet people in the real world, and connect with them in the real world, face to face. Then social media has a use in terms of keeping in touch. There is little to be gained through social media, and a great deal to be lost.

In terms of creating connections, the good things about social media are:

Doing some research on interests, activities, hobbies and the groups and organisations that participate,
Figuring out how to do something - programming, changing a tractor tyre, using Blender, ikebana - whatever,
Keeping in touch with real people you already know.

In terms of creating connections, the bad things about social media are:

Everything else.

If you want news, go to trusted news sites ABC BBC CBC. These organisations have a charter which kind of means they have to tell you the truth and be accurate and balanced in their reporting. Any other news site - who knows?

Generally if you want factual information, go to the original source. Why would the social media companies know better - they keep on telling us they are just a platform, a delivery service, for? Well, fantasy mostly. But fifteen minutes of cat videos? That has to be OK.

The under-16 social media ban in Australia is the best thing a government has done anywhere in a long while. When you really need somebody, your social media "friends" won't be there to help you, but your real friends will.

4.4 On-line dating

There is no doubt that on-line dating has brought thousands of people together. For a lot of people it has been life changing. A few words of caution:

Depending on the dating site it can be quite hard to take down a profile. Many of the profiles you are looking at may be completely dormant, the person having given up with the site months ago.

There is very little to stop scammers creating fake profiles for their own ends. One of the most common of these is the romance scam. Generally it is not a good idea to hand over cash to somebody you don't really know even if they are a Nigerian Prince. Why would a Prince need money?
The rise of AI means that scammers can create hundreds of profiles using AI bots - you can be blowing your credits and the scammers leave the bots to it while they go to the beach.
But perhaps the worst of these from a connectedness point of view is the feeling that you could be doing better. Imagine this - you have found a partner. It was going well, then you hit a little rocky patch. You think - well, I found them easy enough, I'll just go and look for somebody better. The on-line dating companies love this behaviour because they only make money when you're on their site. But perhaps it is not such a healthy mindset for you if you want a genuine long term relationship.

But apart from that what could possibly go wrong? A lot of people have a lot of fun using dating sites.

5. Recommended reading

Let's talk about Loneliness, Simone Heng, Hay House.

Loneliness and Social Isolation, Justin Healey, Issues in Society, The Spinney Press.

A Biography of Loneliness, Fay Bound Alberti, Oxford University Press.

Project Unlonely, Dr Jeremy Nobel, Avery Publishing Group.

Love in the Time of Algorithms: What Technology Does to Meeting and Mating, Dan Slater, CURRENT Penguin Group.